THIS REALLY HAPPENED TODAY:

I'm in a small Texas town doing man-on-the street interviews about the possible closure of a local army base when the following exchange takes place:

Me: So do you think they'll close the base?

Texas Guy: Thah g'vrnment, thah do wut thah want!

Me: OK.

Texas Guy: Whur yuh frum?

Me: Excuse me?

Texas Guy: Whur yuh frum? Yuh frum Nuh Yurk or Cal-fern-yuh?

Me: Actually, I'm from New York and California.

Texas Guy: That splains yuh! I can't ur'stand thing yuh sayn.

Me: Excuse me?

Texas Guy: Yuh got wurst accent I hurd! Can't ur'stand thing yuh sayn.

At that point, every synapse in my brain fired at once and my head exploded. I am now dead. I'm writing from beyond the grave.