BOO

It’s October 31st! Let me be the first to wish you a happy Jesus Fest.

What is “Jesus Fest” you say? If you’re asking that question, you’re obviously not from the south. I’m not from the south either, but I’m here now and I believe I’m somewhat qualified to answer that question.

Before answering “What is Jesus Fest,” it may be helpful to answer the question, “What is Halloween?” Put as simply as possible, Halloween is a pagan holiday where we invite Satan into our homes in the form of small children dressed as Sponge Bob. Once in our home, we reward these evil minions with candy. It’s also a day where gays dress very outlandishly in West Hollywood.

Jesus Fest is totally different. With this holiday, children get dressed up in less-spooky costumes and go to church. At church, the children are given candy and led through spooky (but not too-spooky) mazes. Gays do not dress outlandishly for Jesus Fest.

In certain communities in the south, Halloween has been a controversial day for years. Most people recognize that modern trick-or-treaters probably are not so much interested in worshipping the Prince of Darkness as they are interested in getting their hands on as much sugar as possible. But it’s the pagan roots of the thing that are troubling for many here.

Oddly enough, this concern does not translate to Christmas, which actually has its roots in Saturnalia, an ancient pagan holiday of such debauchery that the term “Saturnalia” actually came to mean “orgy” among early Christians. But there are plenty of months to contemplate that one.

But back to Halloween. Churches throughout the region have organized Jesus Fests or “Harvest Festivals” to get kids off the streets and off Halloween. But there is a new movement afoot, a movement that should strike terror in the hearts of any candy-loving pagan kid.

Some people have decided to take a glass-half-full approach to Halloween and use it as a chance to proselyte. That’s right, tonight, when children knock on doors and say “trick or treat!”, they may not be getting candy. Instead, they may receive a religious tract instead. I can’t think of a single thing that will drive people (especially our young people) away from Christianity faster.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m all for Christianity. As a matter of fact, I regularly attend a Christian church. The power of faith is strong. But candy, that’s pretty powerful, too.

Think of a small child, who knows nothing of religion, walking through a neighborhood dressed as whatever that thing is from the Fantastic Four movie. He is happily collecting candy, when he approaches a Christian house. The well-meaning christian denies the child the Kit Kat he so desires, and instead hands him a brochure about how unpleasant hell is.

It is quite likely that child would renounce all faith right then and there and devote his life to wicked pursuits like puppy tortuing, human trafficking, and bank fraud. A child denied candy is a powerful force for evil. Saint Paul said that… I think.

So on this Day Before The Day Of The Dead, I call upon my fellow Christians to open up their homes to young children with fake knives sticking out of their heads and let the free candy flow.

Their very souls and the lives of many puppies may depend on it.