OH, CANADA?

These are times of great peril for our country. Terrorists are trying to blow us up. Hurricanes are trying to blow us down. Exotic viruses are trying to… um… make us blow our noses. But one forgotten threat to our country and our very way of life is immigrants.

No, no, not the immigrants who built the Erie Canal, or the ones who built the railroads, or the scientists who came here to escape oppression and wound up giving us a technical advantage over other nations. I’m certainly not talking about your relatives who came here to escape famine, or persecution, or foul-tasting communist food.

All those immigrants came here on boats, they way they were supposed to. But now there’s a new type of immigrant. And by “new” I mean, “It’s been going on for about 300 years.” This immigrant drives across the border. Some even walk.

These selfish new immigrants come here because they want to support their families back in Honduras or wherever. They do this by taking jobs from Real Americans. I think all of us know someone who was fired from their job picking oranges, cleaning toilets, or selling peanuts on the side of the street because some immigrant was willing to work for less money.

Something needs to be done, so the Minuteman Defense Corps has come to the rescue. The Minutemen believe the government is unwilling to protect our borders, so it is the job of patriots everywhere to do the job instead. Last April, hundreds of armed Minuteman volunteers patrolled the Arizona-Mexico border and managed to detain hundreds of journalists.

But the Minutemen know that our immigration problem extends far beyond the Rio Grande. That’s why they (the Minutemen, not the immigrants) have founded a new branch of their organization to patrol the Canadian border.

For years, Canadians have been streaming across our borders in an attempt to escape the free health care, abundant natural resources, and a standard of living consistently ranked as one of the highest in the world. Many say the cancellation of last year’s NHL season caused many Canadians to lose a vital connection with their homeland.

When they arrive in America, many Canadians can find easy work doing things Americans just won’t do. Some become scientists, while others become cast members of Saturday Night Live.

When you look at it that way, it’s hard to blame those Canucks for trying to come down here. Some bleeding-heart types have even been putting six-packs of Molson’s in the north woods of Washington so fleeing Canadians can renew their strength as they make the long trek to Seattle. But they’re breaking the law, and they must be stopped.

That’s where the Minutemen come in. They’re organizing armed patrols of 200 roads where Canadians can cross the border with impunity. Organizers say they’re not going to confront the Canadians, but they’ll be packing heat just in case.

"You don't go near that border out here without being armed to defend your life," said one Minuteman. "We've got chaos going on."

In time, the Minutemen may be able to stem the flow of illegal immigrants and illicit maple syrup imports that now make Canadian border cities violent, lawless hell-holes. Until that day comes, keep a concealed weapon nearby, and be vigilant. Because the person sitting next to you on the bus could be… a Canadian.