SUMMER VEEPTACULAR

It’s summertime and, with the exception of a few staff shakeups, a threatened castration, and a cartoon brouhaha, the presidential campaigns are in the doldrums.

To fill the time during the long summer months, the chattering classes and nerds alike spend their time wondering who the candidates will choose at their running mates. Everyone knows it’s extremely important to pick a good running mate. For example, in 1988, George H.W. Bush picked this complete dolt named Dan Quayle to be his vice president and… well… he got elected president anyway.

Ok, perhaps the choice of running mate isn’t that important after all. And for the most part, the job of vice president hasn’t been that important. It has tended to be a job handed over to drunkards, murderers, and… a possible lover to a future president? Indeed, one man to hold the second highest office in the land said the office wasn’t worth a warm bucket of piss.

But the office has changed over the last decade or so. Al Gore and Dick Cheney have both taken on policy making roles and have given the once lowly office unprecedented power.

I, for one, think this is wrong. So I’d like to announce my intention to run for Vice President of the Untied States. I’m no respecter of person or party. I would be pleased to serve as either Barack Obama or John McCain’s vice president as long as they agree with my vision of the vice presidency.

First and foremost, I do believe that the vice presidency is worth a warm bucket of piss. Perhaps two buckets when adjusted for inflation. Second, I believe that the framers of the Constitution designed the #2 spot in the government to be a dull and unimportant post and that the most current occupants of have betrayed that original vision.

I believe the vice president should attend funerals of foreign leaders, cast tiebreaking votes in the Senate, and make $175,000 per year. I have attended many funerals in my life, so I’m perfectly qualified to do that (I even have my own black suit). I have cast tiebreaking votes on several occasions. One such vote resulted in my wife and I eating at Red Robin. I currently have no experience in making $175,000 per year, but I am prepared to submit a detailed plan on how I would spend it.

The more I think of it, I really do think that the job of vice president is worth several buckets of warm piss. You get a very cool house on Massachusetts Avenue to live in, access to your own plane, and a good seat for the State of the Union address. Furthermore, some of those dead foreign leaders live in nice places. Why not make a 3-day weekend of it?

In terms of political assets, I will probably be able to deliver Oregon who whoever selects me, or at least several people in Oregon. Obama may want to select me because there’s slim chance I could deliver Utah. He’s polling better there than many had expected, and I’m Mormon. Everyone in Utah dreams of one day electing a Mormon vice president. But I know a lot of people in Utah, so that may work against me.

So I now await the call from either the Obama or McCain campaigns. If cost is a concern, I would agree to work for only $150,000. But I’ll require at least two extra buckets of warm piss in exchange.