ENVIRONMENTALLY UNFRIENDLY

For most of my adult life, I’ve considered myself somewhat eco friendly. I recycle and don’t drive an SUV and I don’t dump nuclear waste down the storm drains or anything like that. Indeed, I’m all about Feeding the Children and Saving the Whales and Feeding the Children to the Whales.

However, I’m starting to reconsider all that.

You see, the major motivation for being environmentally responsible, apart from liberal guilt, is your children. I’ve got somewhere between 40 to 60 years left on this planet and even if I spent the whole time in an idling Hummer, I couldn’t do enough damage to the planet to affect me. But there’s a chance I could do enough damage to impact the earth in my kid’s lifetime. So we crusty old people sacrifice a little bit so there will be something leftover for our kids.

But not I’m starting to think that our kids are, in fact, the problem. Let’s start with Eliza. In the six short weeks she has been alive, she’s become one of the biggest methane producers in all if Oregon. Methane, as I’m sure you know, it just about the most potent greenhouse gas out there. Much, much worse than carbon dioxide. She wears disposable diapers, which aren’t good for the environment, but I guess that’s my fault. But she craps in such a way as to ensure that we use twice as many as we should. For instance, when we change her diaper, she holds a little poop back until we have placed the new diaper underneath her. Then she lets it go. She’s clearly doing this on purpose.

The biggest offenders, however, are Nate and Will (pictured above). They are major methane emitters as well, but that’s just the start. Our little guys aren’t happy unless they are wasting as much electricity and water as possible. Before they can sit down for dinner, they have to make sure every light in the house is turned on. The ceiling fan on the outside porch must also be on. I have no idea why.

Toilet flushing is also a hobby for Nate and Will. As soon as they could walk, they little guys were in the bathroom flushing the toilet. They love flushing that toilet. They’re in the process of being toilet trained. Nate and Will only pee in the toilet, the poo still goes in a diaper, which goes into a landfill, which is really bad for the environment.

So anyway, an ideal day for Nate and Will would involve turning on every light in the house, then repeatedly flushing the toilet while stuffing the commode with toilet paper taken from old growth rainforest… then afterwards, clubbing a baby seal to death with the carcass of a komodo dragon.

My point is this: my kids really hate the environment, so why am I trying to preserve it for them? If anything, we should try to destroy the planet together. It would be a shame if they got to destroy the planet after I was dead. That’s really something you should experience as a family.