WARNING, THIS BLOG IS ART!

Note: This piece first appeared in the Northridge Daily Sundial on June 17, 2002. But it is still a fine bit of humor. And with my schedule this week, this run through the archives will have to do...

I was listening to NPR yesterday because, well, because I'm left-leaning yuppie-in-training who enjoys hearing commentators use words like "disingenuous." For instance: "President Bush's policy on China is truly disingenuous." There's something about that word that makes you feel smart if you hear it or say it. So anyway, I was listening to NPR and nobody was saying "disingenuous" at the time, but there was a story about a woman in Brooklyn named Anissa Mack. For several hours each day Mack dons a frilly apron and bakes apple pies in a makeshift hut outside the Brooklyn Public Library. Once a pie is baked, Mack places it on the window sill and waits for it to be stolen. Then she starts baking another pie.

Mack describes the whole operation as "performance art." NPR described Mack's work as, "the ironic statement of re-creating a small-town American scene in the middle of a crowded, modern-day Brooklyn." There was also mention of the installation helping Mack overcome her fear of strangers.

Perhaps the best thing about all of this is that Mack's project is funded by the New York Public Art Fund which, I'm assuming, assists people in living out their pastry-related fantasies. While some people blanch at the idea of paying a woman to bake pies and then encourage people to steal them, I find it rather comforting. After all, it wasn't all that long ago that venture capitalists were funding projects like Flake.com, which was an internet site dedicated exclusively to selling breakfast cereal, so why shouldn’t Mack get some money to give pies away. (In case you're wondering, Flake.com burned through its money and went out of business.) So instead of worrying about money (and let's face it, some of it was probably public money) being spent on projects such as this, I'm much more concerned about how I can get in on the action. I may be a budding journalist, but in me beats the heart of an artist, sort of.

In search of easy dough, I looked around and discovered that there is a California Arts Council, and they appear to be the types that would fund odd projects by people who can explain themselves well. I couldn't figure out how to apply for the money directly, so I'll lay out my plans here as I'm sure many members of the California Arts Council read this paper regularly.

Project 1: Prom, a Self-Portrait

A gallery space is decorated to look like a school gym. A DJ plays Kool and the Gang's "Celebration" continuously. I stand in the middle of the floor wearing an ill-fitting tuxedo. Every 15 minutes, an attractive female walks by. I don't ask her to dance. This installation boldly illustrates the isolation and intimidation felt by many a pubescent male. Untouched cups of red punch on a nearby table represent the vast opportunities available to our youth today that remain untouched. Estimated cost: $500 per evening, $200 if you can get the actual DJ from my prom.

Proposal 2: The Vast Wasteland.

The California Arts Council installs cable at my apartment and I sit around and watch it a lot. I will often complain that there's nothing good on. Once a day a pizza is delivered and consumed by me. Once in a while, I go see a movie or something. This performance piece is designed to show how our current media-saturated society breeds isolation, ignorance, and obesity. As proof of the ignorance, the California Arts Council will administer a standardized test weekly in which my scores will decline. As proof of obesity, I will be publicly weighed each Thursday. The project is expected to cost about $2000 per month, including the cost of the pizza.

Project 3: The Ugly American

The California Arts Council flies me to Paris (first class, please) where I loudly ask people "Do you speak English?" and wear t-shirts that say things like "I got leied on Maui." After a while, I get bored and buy a pile of CDs at the Virgin Megastore on the Champs-Elysees. This piece illustrates America's cultural imperialism and ignorance of cultures beyond its own. The artist acknowledges that Virgin is a British chain but prefers to shop there anyway. Estimated cost: $7,000, including airfare, lodging, CDs, and dinner at McDonalds.

Clearly I am an important artist with many important things to say, but I've saved my best work for last.

Project 4: Wacky Humor Column

The California Arts Council, or some other group, pays a dashing student humorist to write pithy but ultimately meaningless observations on the world around him.

Now that I think of it, that last one is a bit far fetched. Never mind.