DIAPER RANCH

First, a little red meat. Here’s Nate wearing a hat as we went for a walk a few days ago. And here’s Will. He’s asleep. He’s a little tough to photograph awake these days. These pictures were taken last week. I know that doesn’t count as current when you consider they’re not even 4 weeks old, but you wouldn’t want to see pictures from this week anyway. Will’s got this infected tear duct thing and now produces his weight in nasty green puss flowing from his eyeball. Trust me, you don’t want to see pictures.

But there are even more things to think about besides puss and pictures. Taking care of these two kids is tricky, and it’s only getting trickier. Last week, Julie’s mom went back to Phoenix, and I went back to work on Saturday. I’m only working two days a week for now, but it still puts a dent in our child care workforce here at home. In another two months, Julie will start working again. And now exactly will we care for these two little kids?

Julie’s sister is still staying with us to help, and that’s made a huge difference. But that’s not a complete solution. The biggest problem is that it’s all but impossible for one person to take care of the twins for an extended period of time. You can go for a couple of hours if you need to, but that’s about it.

I was thinking about the situation this afternoon while not changing Will’s diaper, and I think I may have come up with a solution. My inspiration comes from a trend in American leisure.

People today don’t go on vacations as much as they buy “experiences.” The dude ranch is still a popular getaway for many. At these ranches, people suit up like cowboys and ride the range and try to rope cattle and things like that. The concept was developed by ranchers trying to keep their operations afloat despite declining beef prices.

Then there was a vacation package I heard about 4 years ago. There’s a bed and breakfast in Ireland that offers rooms for about $150 per night. But for $200 per night, you can have the experience of running your own bed and breakfast. That includes working at the front desk, tending bar, and cleaning rooms. It was one of the most brilliant ideas I had ever heard of: charge people extra to do your job for you.

I actually called the company to ask about the package and how they were able to get anyone to agree to this deal. I spoke with a Scottish man (yes, I know the difference between Scottish and Irish) who was perhaps the nicest, most charming man I had ever spoken to on the phone. He explained that the package wasn’t for everyone, and then described in detail all the work you’d have to do. Hearing this guy talk about it, it actually sounded fun.

So we need to set up something like that in our house. Instead of doing all the work ourselves or hiring nannies, we should make people pay to take care of our kids. We could open a “Diaper Ranch.”

Guests would show up at our home, and we’d dress them like real live parents of newborns. Men would get a t-shirt with a baby-puke stain on it, well worn jeans, and flip flops. Hair would be messed up for extra authenticity. Women would be issued wrinkled nightgowns. At the end of the week, guests could take the outfits home as souvenirs.

Duties would include laundry, diaper changing, cleaning up baby puke, feeding, not sleeping, and feeding. By the end of the week, guests would feel like they’ve really had the whole “parenthood experience.” And it will only cost $250 per night.

I imagine the potential market for this attraction could be sizable. Childless couples in their 50s could stop by to get a taste of what they missed, or didn’t miss, as the case may be. Empty nesters could spend a week here remembering “the good old days.” Newlyweds could stop by for a little “practice” before starting a family of their own. Wayward teenagers could even participate, perhaps as a part of some kind of “Outward Bound” or “Scared Straight” program. I know at least one person who would likely sign up right away.

So there you have it. Our child care problems are solved. All we need now is a toll free number for people to call, and a guy to answer it. I’ll start tracking down that Scottish guy right now.