NAVEL GAZING

The internet is a curious thing. It seems there’s no shortage of information out there, and no shortage of search engines to direct you somewhere else.

I know because, for some internet wanderers, this little site has been that somewhere else.

About 2 weeks ago, I noticed a fairly notable uptick in traffic to the site. I surmised the world was simply hungry for some stranger’s ramblings on Hungarian politics or his pants or whatever. Perhaps the internet is dreadfully short of baby pictures. These all seemed like perfectly plausible explanations to me.

Then I called up the good ol’ Google Analytics, and learned I was all wrong.

Some of my increased traffic was due to hits from the UK (Cheers!), Australia (g’day!), and Malaysia (Whatever You Guys Say!).

But the biggest hunk of traffic came from people seeking knowledge on Shahara Simmons. I found this a bit puzzling because I have no idea who Shahara Simmons is. With that in mind, it seems highly unlikely this site contains any useful information about Ms. Simmons.

After a little searching I have discovered that Shahara Simmons is mentioned in the comments section of a post I wrote last February. She’s the fiancée of Elton Brand. (May well be the wife now, for all I know.)

I was writing about owning a LA Clippers hat, mentioned Elton Brand, someone posted a comment that contains Shahara Simmons name and all of the sudden, bam, I’m the third most authoritative web source on the woman… at least according to Google. Hundreds of people have been directed to this site because of that, and all they’ve learned is that I own a hat with a Clippers logo.

Alas, it’s not only fans of NBA star’s fiancées who are likely disappointed by this site. Budding neuroscientists are probably let down, too.

Two months ago, several people found this site by entering “is your brain made mostly of water” into ask.com’s search box. Now that’s a very interesting biology question, and one I’d sure like the answer to. Unfortunately, the answer isn’t to be found here.

They got this site because I wrote about taking some omega 3 tablets and feeling stupid, and the phrase “apparently your brain is made mostly of water and these acids,” appeared in the post. And that was good enough for ask.com. What’s worse, while Google at least linked NBA fans directly to the Clippers article, ask.com just sends you to the main page. So honest souls searching for some good brain science instead found a link to a Keith Olbermann rant against the Bush administration. Sorry, guys.

Perhaps the biggest apologies go to the poor fellow who was directed here using the search term, “flight attendant prostitute.” This happened several months ago, and I can’t replicate the feat on any major search engine now, so you’ll just have to take my word for it. But the idea that the internet is (or at least was a few months ago) so devoid of information on flight attendants or prostitutes that this site would come up in searches boggles the mind.

In honor of these wayward searchers, I’m asking for your help. If you know anything about Shahara Simmons, or how much water is in the brain, or whether flight attendants are sometimes prostitutes, please deposit your knowledge in the comments section. I hate for people to leave here disappointed.