SIX THINGS OF WHICH I AM SUSPICIOUS

This is apparently the web sensation that’s sweeping the nation. Someone decided to steal this idea from this other person, then it became something of a meme and Ransom Note got tagged, then he tagged me. (Is that clear enough?)

What you do is list things about which you are suspicious, then tag someone else. There isn’t much else to it, no minimum number of suspect things, no explanations required. So here I go, here are six things of which I am suspicious (Ransom did eight, but good ideas degrade when passed on):

1: Politicians who want to protect my children.
I remember Bill Clinton signing some bill about online decency and mentioning how my children needed to be protected from it. In the 80s, Tipper Gore wanted to protect my kids from naughty music. All I can think is, “who’s going to protect my children from you?”

2: Food that’s trying to masquerade as some other food.
I’m looking at you, carob. You’re not chocolate, not even close. Why do you keep trying to pass yourself off as chocolate? You’re not chocolate, do you hear me? Same goes for tofu. You’re not chicken/beef/pork/whatever, you’re a soy product. No shame in that. Just stop pretending.

3: People who have too many motivational posters.
If you need to be surrounded by posters with pretty pictures and captions like, “Working Together, We Can Win!” or “This Will Be an Awesome Day, Because You Say So!” then there is something seriously wrong with you. Anyone who needs that much convincing that there is meaning to their lives is likely leading a meaningless life. Some motivational posters, however, are acceptable.

4: Vegans.
Especially on Thanksgiving. They need to be watched very closely. I don’t exactly know why.

5: Anyone selling something.

6: Unexplained smells.
On more then one occasion I have left my house in pajamas and flip flops at odd hours looking for the source of an unexplained smell. I’m not crazy, mind you, but if I smell something in my home, I’d better know its source.

Now that I’ve revealed myself to be a paranoid and unpleasant man, my next duty is to tag the next generation, I nominate:

Birchsprite. She’s always looking for topics to post on. Try this.

Faroe Man. I think we definitely need to hear the Faroese perspective on suspicion.

Daddy D. Southerners can be very suspicious sorts.

Dooce. Because it's kind of like sending the President a chain letter.