RIPPED FROM THE HEADLINES

While scouring the nation's wire services this weekend, I came across two news stories that are in turns puzzling and hilarious.

I'll start with the one that features a famous person.

This weekend, former child star Gary Coleman was arrested at a bowling alley in Payson, Utah for trying to back over someone with his truck. It seems someone was trying to take Mr. Coleman's picture and he just wanted to be left alone, so the only solution was to back a car over the photo hound.

For people like myself who don't keep up with the comings and goings of Gary Coleman, one rather obvious question arises from this story: Why was Gary Coleman bowling in Payson, Utah? Why was he doing anything in Payson, Utah. I've been to Payson, Utah, and I can tell you there is no reason to be there. Ever. Not even if you live there.

But reading the story further, I learned an even more shocking fact: Gary Coleman was in Payson, Utah because he now lives in Santaquin, Utah. And if you live in Santaquin, Payson is apparently where you go for fun.

As for why Coleman lives in Santaquin, that's anyone's guess. A 2005 newspaper article says he moved to the very small, very boring central Utah town after appearing in a low-budget movie about Mormons playing basketball (I swear I'm not making this up). The newspaper goes on to say that Coleman was sick of the red carpet scene in Los Angeles. Well, he certainly is safe from that in Santaquin.

But that story looks positively bland compared to the news coming out of Fresno this weekend. Really, the headline says it all:

"Burglar Awakes Men With Spice Rub, Sausage Attack."

The story is just as the headline suggests. Two farmers were awoken by a intruder who was rubbing spices on one man, an hitting the other with an eight inch sausage.

While the man apparently knew how he wanted his farmers prepared, he wasn't a very good burglar. He stole some money, but he also left his wallet inside his victim's house.

The money was recovered, but what of the sausage? I'm afraid it wasn't so lucky. The Fresno Bee says "the sausage was tossed away by the fleeing suspect and eaten by a dog."

I can only hope to live long enough to cover a story where I can end with, "the sausage was tossed away by the fleeing suspect and eaten by a dog."

Brilliant. Just Brilliant.