CARTER, THE UNSTOPPABLE TREASON MACHINE

Things are pretty grim for the Bush administration these days. The president’s poll numbers have been hovering in the low 30s for an alarming number of weeks (alarming if you’re the president, anyway). No president in the history of polling has gone into midterm elections with worse numbers. As a matter of fact, you have to go back to the days of the Nixon administration to find a president whose numbers stayed so low for so long. Not even President Carter had it so bad.

In the face of such adversity, supporters of our president know just what to do… take Carter down a few pegs. A group recently unveiled ads on CNN calling on congress to censure the former president. The group is called “Move America Forward,” a “non-partisan” organization run entirely by Republicans.

The ad features spooky music and a voice-over guy who manages to seem both concerned and angry. The angry/concerned man begins by laying out a concise and logical argument for censuring Carter. It goes a little something like this: President Bush loves America and the Constitution so much that he wants to spy on any American he wants without getting a federal warrant. If this upsets congress, they censure former President Jimmy Carter, because he is very disobedient and has had his picture taken with bad foreign leaders.

Having made an airtight argument for censure, the ad unveils its “Hall of Shame,” Carter standing next to Fidel Castro, Carter standing next to North Korean dictator Kim Jong-il, Carter monitoring the Palestinian elections. Then, just in case you missed the point, they put Jimmy Carter’s face on screen, then stamp “censure” over the top in big, red letters.

The Censure Carter website says the former president has “Repeatedly undermined U.S. foreign policy,” and “embrac(ed) known terrorists or terrorist organizations.” The website contains more pictures of Carter with very naughty people like democratically elected Venezuelan leader Hugo Chavez.

The pictures are very important to the case, because anyone who poses for a picture with a known bad guy must be bad himself. Furthermore, these photos can be damaging to U.S. prestige at home and abroad. We shouldn’t tolerate anyone in such photos attaining any serious leadership role, right?

The website goes even further by providing “extensive documentation” of Carter’s numerous and flagrant offenses. This documentation is provided in the form of entries from angry bloggers, and links to such trusted news sources as Worldnet and Newsmax Magazine.

You’re hardly a human being if you didn’t find a pretty compelling argument for censure in all that. Clearly, Jimmy Carter must be stopped. The failure of our foreign policy and loss of international prestige over the past 5 years has nothing to do with us launching an ill-conceived war in Iraq or torturing prisoners abroad or the detention of hundreds in the jurisdictional black hole of Guantanamo Bay. It’s all because of an 81 year old, cardigan wearing, Georgian who hasn’t held any power in the U.S. in more than 25 years.

The Censure Carter site describes censure as “The political equivalent of a strongly worded letter.” I think I speak for all Americans when I express my hope that congress will word that letter as strongly as possible.

Without this censure, Carter will just be emboldened. He will just build more houses for homeless people, peacefully mediate more international conflicts, and, in a worse case scenario, win another Nobel Peace Prize.

And that’s just not something we can afford to let happen.

(Huge points to anyone who gets the very obscure reference contained in this post's title)