WHAT, ME BORING?

Parents are tedious, they really are.

There are many things wrong with them, all of which I will list right now.

First, they always want to show you pictures of their kids. Kind of like this really cute picture of Will wearing old-man pants.

And another picture of Will in old-man pants, but this time it’s totally different because it looks like he’s saying “ta da” like he’s some kind of tiny little magician with the cutest little hat and a tiny cape and a magic wand that that turns into a little bunny rabbit… You think that’s cute? How about Nate acting like Billy Idol? And now it looks like he’s posing for school pictures (or farting)… And here’s another picture of Nate. I know you think it’s almost exactly the same, but they’re really very different. If you did nothing all day but look at this kid—and heaven knows I do—then you would realize that these two pictures are nothing alike.

Second, parents are tedious because they always want to talk about their children’s poop. This is nothing short of deviant.

Third, and perhaps most important, parents always want to tell you about every minute developmental milestone their kids pass. It’s not unusual to walk up to a parent and ask, “How’s it going?” and get an answer like, “Jeremy blinked 47 times in the last 15 minutes. This puts him in the 95 percentile for blinking. It’s an early indicator that he’s very bright.”

But check this out. I come home from work tonight and I’m holding Will and he’s smiling and puking on me and basically doing the things he always does. Then he opens his mouth and goes, “ah” in a soft and somewhat high pitched voice.

This, of course, was the most riveting moment in their short lives. “Ah” is a pretty big deal. Before today, Will has only said, “eaaaagh” or “waaaaaa” in a loud cry that feels very much like someone is shoving an ice pick into your inner ear.

(I’ve actually taken to wearing ear plugs on certain occasions when I have to hold a screaming baby for extended periods of time. And don’t give me that look. I understand that the guy is crying and that he’s tired or whatever. I don’t think suffering permanent hearing loss makes me a better parent. Put another way: I’ve been to literally hundreds of rock concerts and I wear ear plugs every time. I’m not letting Radiohead or Elvis Costello take my hearing from me, and I’ll be damned if I’ll let these kids do it.)

Now where was I? Oh yes, “ah.” The “ah” is a relatively pleasant sound compared to those other two. And when all you hear is that “eaaaagh” or “waaaaaa”, “ah” is a nice change of pace. Wait… did Nate just go “mmmmm”? I distinctly heard “mmmmm” from the other side of the room. This is a major breakthrough; please excuse me while I find the camcorder.

I’m back. Now where was I again? Oh yeah, parents. Most parents are tedious. I sure am glad I’m not like them.