MISOGYNY MADE EASY

One of my favorite things about iTunes is how it enables a person to take a unique musical journey for just a few bucks.

A few weeks ago, I was searching the iTunes store for any undiscovered (by me, anyway) gem from Ben Folds. He put out a pile of EPs between his last two albums and I hadn’t heard anything from them. So you can imagine my delight when I discover that Mr. Folds had covered an old Dr. Dre song the store simply called B****** Ain’t S***. After listening to the cover, I decided to check out the original featuring Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg.

Like so many before me, I was deeply moved by this story of love and loss. Sadly, because many people are biased against rap music and don’t enjoy hearing the “f” word every 7 seconds, much of our population has been denied the grace and majesty of two of our generation’s greatest poets.

With that in mind, I’m starting an outreach program to bring the work of Dr. Dre and others to the masses by translating them into white-boy-English-major-English. You can find the original lyrics here. (Note to Mom: do NOT click on that link.) I will follow the lead of Ben Folds and disregard the verses written by Daz, Kurupt, and Jewell… those three are basically hacks. So without further ado…

B****** Ain’t S***
As translated by Matthew Workman, amateur hip hop scholar

(Snoop Dogg)
I have a low regard for women
I believe their only use is to provide me with sexual gratification
After consummation, I am quick to leave in order to distribute illicit drugs

(Dr Dre)
I was once acquainted with a man named Eric Wright
We spent many evenings engaging in sexual acts with prostitutes
We were as close as a thug with a drum machine (Translator’s note: The translation on this line is, quite frankly, a guess)
And we often played basketball on the streets of Compton. (Translator’s note: The original text uses the term “balling.” The word can be used in reference to basketball or sexual activity. But given the context of the song, it appears likely Mr. Dre was referring to sports.)

My musical career began to take off,
And I achieved a series of number one hits
As long as I was reaping substantial royalties for these songs
I was not overly concerned with the whereabouts of my significant other

This was good news because she had taken up with a white man
She was essentially serving as a live in prostitute for the man
This sideline did not earn her much money
So now she’s suing me, even though it is her own actions that are now bringing her woe

My girlfriend does not understand the code of ethics involved with prostitution and other criminal activity
This has caused her be financially unsuccessful
She believes legal action against me will earn her money
This gives my butt something to talk about (Translator’s note: this may not be the most precise translation)

(Snoop Dogg)
I once was romantically involved with a girl named Mandy May
We frequently had sexual relations
She was a skilled lover, and this endeared her to me

Members of my peer group claimed she was a bad influence
But I’m the maniac in black Mr. Snoop Eastwood (Translator’s note: This is the exact wording from the song, there’s really no other translation for it)
I imagined my unpredictable and violent demeanor would discourage my peers from making advances on my girlfriend
This would prove untrue

Now I’m housed in the county jail
I have been serving a six month sentence, but I have now completed it (Translator’s note: the original text says “it’s time to bail,” which could be taken literarily or figuratively)
I am released on a pleasant day and my friends pick me up in a two-door vehicle
They inform me that my girlfriend has become a prostitute during my incarceration
While I am a newly released prisoner, I am now inclined to violate the terms of my parole
As we drive towards my girlfriend’s house, my friend Dr. Dre gives me a German-made handgun
I kick open the door and discover my cousin in sexual congress with my girlfriend
I discharge my firearm
My heart is broken, but I am still extremely upset
This incident has done nothing to raise my opinion of my now-deceased girlfriend

(Chorus)
I have a low regard for women
I believe they are only useful for my own sexual gratification
After consummation, I am quick to leave in order to distribute illicit drugs
(repeat two times)