PRAYER SKETCH

Many years ago, I performed with a sketch comedy troupe in Los Angeles. We had a regular gig at the Comedy Store and we thought we were hot stuff. (Never mind that we actually lost money on every show after we paid for our own parking, but that's another story.) I wrote the following sketch for what would wind up being our last show. I read some newspaper article about more people turning to God following the 9/11 attacks. Then I came across a wonderfully cheesy version of the song Mr. Lucky. It sounded like the worst "on hold" music ever, and I wanted to inflict it on a large group of people. So I wrote this sketch. It was only performed once, but I rather liked it...

(Obviously, the Red Sox curse has been removed, but I refuse to rewrite the sketch. So there.)

Prayer Sketch


MAN
I’m really feeling keyed up lately. We got war, unemployment, starvation, they even say terrorists will strike at any moment. The papers say more people are praying than ever before. I guess I should give it a try.

(MAN kneels down, clasps hands together)

MAN
I don’t know how to start this, but I really want to know…

VOICE
Thank you for praying. We are experiencing delays due to unusually high prayer volume. Please continue kneeling and your prayer will be answered in the order it was received. Thank you for your patience.

(Cheezy on-hold music plays about 3 seconds)

VOICE
Average wait time for prayers to be answered is currently…24…minutes.

(More music)

VOICE
While you are waiting, here are the answers to some of our most common prayers. If you are an athlete hoping to give 110 percent tonight, the answer is yes, and good luck in tonight’s game. If you are a fan praying for your team, here are the answers. The following answers are good for tonight only. “Yes” for the Los Angeles Dodgers, Oakland Raiders, Real Madrid, the Rochester Red Wings, Manchester United, Winnipeg Blue Bombers, and the Fairport High School Diving team. The answer is “no” for the following teams: Anaheim Angels, Toronto Argonauts, Blackburn Rovers, Milwaukee Bucks, Toledo Mud Hens, and Chuckie’s A-1 Service softball team. Permanent “no” answers are in effect for the Cincinnati Bengal’s and the Montreal Expos. For Boston Red Sox fans praying for the curse to be removed, the answer is still “no.” Please keep kneeling, and thank you for your patience.

(Music comes back on)

MAN
I can’t believe this!

VOICE
Please do not talk to this voice. This is not God, this is a recording.

(More music)

VOICE
If you are a small child praying that your pet hamster won’t die after you fed it glue, the answer is “no.” Consider this an early lesson regarding the fragile nature of life. This will build character. Please keep kneeling, and thank you for your patience.”

(More music)

VOICE
Save time and frustration with a “form prayer.” If you are praying for peace on earth and goodwill to men, please dial or say “one.”

MAN
What am I supposed to dial?

VOICE
If you are praying for health, please dial or say “two.” If you want to bless some food, please point to the piece of food you want blessed and dial or say “three.” If you want to know the meaning of life, please continue kneeling. Thank you for your patience.

(More music)

VOICE
Tired of the wait? Consider praying to an alternate deity. The Duras are currently accepting prayers with no waiting for those interested in worshipping trees or shrubs. For more information, go to their website, www.dura.org. Please keep kneeling, and thank you for your patience.

(More music)

VOICE
Those wishing to sell their souls could contact Satan. By way of information, the going rate for a soul is 5.3 million dollars and one of the following benefits: a platinum album, lifelong reign over a small country, at least 6 episodes of your own sitcom, or unlimited upgrades to first class on any transatlantic flight. Please keep kneeling, and thank you for your patience.

(More music, then a clicking sound)

VOICE 2
Hello?

MAN
Is this God?

VOICE 2
No, but I do work for him.

MAN
Why do bad things happen to good people?

VOICE 2
Hmmm, that’s a good one. Can you hang on one moment?

(Music comes back on, after a few moments MAN walks off stage...)

VOICE 2
Thanks for waiting. It took me a minute to track this down, and you're not going to believe this but... sir... sir?

(more music... fade out)