Tuesday, June 03, 2008


Hey Democratic Presidential Primaries, thanks for meeting me here. I know that we usually go to a more out of the way place, but I thought this lunch counter was a better way to go. It’s busy, but the food is really good. Do you want a sandwich? No? Just a Pepsi then?

You’ve got a funny look on your face, so I’ll just cut right to the chase: this just isn’t working for me anymore. Last year, when I heard about you, I was so excited. I’d never seen a primary season like you before and I could hardly wait to begin.

I know, I know. We had some fun. Iowa, eh? What a surprise! Obama and Huckabee? Oh man, what a time that was. Yeah, Super Tuesday was pretty fun, too. I’ll admit, I had a great time staying up with you and watching the returns coming in until the wee hours of the morning.

But then, something changed. I don’t quite know when it was, but somehow, you started acting differently. Pretty soon, we couldn’t even eat dinner without the conversation degenerating into, “Michigan this” or “Florida that.” And don’t even get me started on Mississippi. If all the black voters pick the black candidate and all the white voters choose the white candidate, that’s not a sign of change in the south.

And to be honest, the last month or two has been more than a little creepy. You’re all dark and moody. It’s like you’re not having fun anymore. And Puerto Rico? Did we really have to go there? You do know they’re not allowed to vote for president in the general elections?

I’m sorry. That was out of line. I don’t think you’re stupid, I just didn’t think before I spoke.

What? No. I’ve not been voting in any other primaries. Yes, the British bi-elections were interesting, but it’s not like I was voting or anything. I am not in love with them. The Mayor of London is the most powerful directly elected official in England, of course I found the race interesting. But I’m not… no… you’re just going to have to trust me on this one. Look, we’re getting way off track here. Even if I did vote in the British elections.. which I didn’t… this conversation is about us.

Here’s the thing, we just need to end this. I think that it would be better for both of us if we… oh don’t do that. Please… No, I don’t have a tissue, you can use these napkins. Do you want a refill on that Pepsi?

Ok, ok, how’s this. Let’s take some time off. And when we’ve cooled off, we can just be, you know, friends. But I’ll need a few months. Yes, yes, I’ll go to the convention with you. We’d always planned on going.

So, are we cool? I’d stay longer, but I promised the UEFA Football Championship I’d meet it at 6.



At 12:09 pm, Blogger thirdworstpoetinthegalaxy said...

Mind if I copy this and send it to the primaries? I don't have the heart to face them in person.

PS - I feel the exact same way.


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