MONEY FOR NOTHING

I'm not much of a sports fan, but I must say I've been following the story of Brett Favre's non-retirement with great interest.

For those of you who have been completely cut off from the media, I'll recap the story so far. The legendary quarterback announced his retirement from the game last spring. Then he announced he wanted to return to the game just a few months later. This created more than a few problems as his team had already replaced him in the lineup.

The past few weeks of negotiations with the Green Bay Packers have failed, so Favre reportedly showed up to training camp on Monday (or maybe he didn't, those details are a little sketchy as of this moment).

The most striking news from the negotiations was that the Packers had offered Favre 20 million dollars (two million per year over the next ten years) not to play for the Packers, or any other NFL team. It appears Favre didn't take the team up on its offer.

This is great news, because it opens up an opportunity for me. I don't really have an agent, so this is perhaps the best forum to announce this. Hey Packers, why don't you give me a shot? If the price is right, I'd be willing not to play football for you for much less than Favre.

I'd be happy to accept $100,000 per year not to play football for you. That's only one million dollars over the next ten years, a mere fraction of what you were going to pay Favre not to play. I don't want a company car, don't want season tickets to any games, don't even want a 401K. I just want the $100,000.

You don't even have to mail it to me. If it's easier, I will personally drive to Green Bay, Wisconsin at the start of each season to pick up the money. I bet Brett never offered to do that.

I believe I am much better qualified to not play football for your team. I was always picked last when choosing teams in gym class, and I have never shown any athletic inclinations whatsoever.

Furthermore, I will not play football much more thoroughly than Brett ever couldn't. I'm sure Mr. Farve will want to show up to games and cheer on his team and host banquets and stuff like that. Not me. I won't even watch the games on TV. I won't touch a football on the playground. If you kick your offer up to $200,000 per year (still just 1/10 what you wanted to pay Favre), I won't even write or say the word "football" out loud. (Except if I'm in Europe and I'm really talking about Soccer, but that's something the lawyers can hammer out.)

So now the ball is in your court, Packers. I'd act soon if I were you, because I'm making the same offer to all the NFL teams. For $100,000, I will not play for any of you. As a matter of fact, the offer is open to any professional sporting team, be it major or minor league. How cool would it be to return to my hometown of Rochester, New York, proud in the knowledge that I was making $100,000 not to play for the Rochester Red Wings?

I anxiously await your call.