PLAYING CHICKEN, OR TURKEY

I know it has been much too much time since last I posted here. I've been out of town and working and the dog ate my homework and my computer still kinda sucks and I can't think up any more excuses now, but I will. I offer this post tonight, and there will be more baby pictures soon.

About ten years ago, I received improv training from the famed Groundlings troupe in Los Angeles. And when I say, "received training" I really mean "paid them a bundle of cash for 12 classes." So anyway, in my improv classes I learned that you must never deny your scene partner. For instance, if you're in a scene and someone says you're in a gas station, you can't say, "No, we're not in a gas station, we're at McDonalds."

But sometimes you have to do the exactly the opposite of what your scene partner says. If someone says, "don't you dare pick up that gun," you'd better pick up the gun. It's just one of the rules of the game.

With that in mind, you can imagine my dismay when I read the headline, Gates Warns Turkey Not to Invade Iraq. First off, we've already invaded Iraq, so it seems selfish to deny another country the sort of fun we've been having over the past four years. But most importantly, I fear that Turkey may feel like they're in an improv scene with American as its partner.

For the past few years, countries seem to enjoy doing the opposite of what we tell them. We once told Iran to reject extremism, so they elect the guy in the jacket whose name I can't pronounce. I think we also warned them not to start a nuclear program, too. We're also fond of telling Latin American countries to stop producing drugs, but they still do.

So I'm unhappy about Gates' advice to Turkey because I'd like to take a vacation to Istanbul next year, but Julie has expressly forbidden me from planning any trips to any countries currently at war (America excepted). But now that Turkey has been told not to invade Iraq, their tanks are probably pulling into Kurdistan as you read this.

It seems to me that the US should simply accept the fact that the world sees us as its improv partner (it sounds nicer than saying that they all hate us) and use a little reverse psychology. If we told Turkey that it would make America happy if they invaded Iraq, you know they wouldn't do it. It's just like when your parents start listening to your CDs and like them. Somehow your music just doesn't feel as cool. If we invited Turkey to join the Coalition of the Willing (TM) I bet they'd disband their entire army.

And as an American, and an ugly one at that, I'd like to make a personal plea: embrace extremism, be mean to your tourists, and whatever you do, don't not pick up that gun.