IF I RAN MY OWN CHURCH...

CHURCH SIGNS GO CRYPTIC

So the church with somewhat amusing church sign slogans finally changed its message, and this is what we got... (as recreated by the church sign generator)

I must say, this one is a bit of a puzzler. The author clearly wants to convey that not getting in a car wreck is a good thing. In fact, it can lead to happiness. As a religious philosophy goes, it is a bit odd, and it even has a big hole in it. And here I'm speaking of the lead track on Radiohead's 1997 masterpiece, "OK, Computer."

The song "Airbag" details the aftermath of a serious car accident Thom Yorke had that nearly killed him and his girlfriend. Well, at least I thought that. As a matter of fact, I'm positive I read that somewhere, but when I went to look it up on some fan sites, I found a snippet from an interview where Yorke says he wasn't involved in an accident. But for the purposes of this post, I'm just going to pretend that Yorke really was in an accident.

The accident that Thom Yorke was(n't) in prompted the following lyrics...

"In the neon sign,

scrolling up and down, I am born again.

In an interstellar burst,

I am back to save the universe. "

I love that song so much, and it sounds more like a church sign than the church sign on East Main. So perhaps it should read like this...

CHURCH SIGN SCOUTS

While the church sign here on the east side of Medford continues to disappoint (they haven't even changed their slogan in three weeks) another church on the west side is picking up the slack. Ms. Jerilyn Hassell Pool (I can't find the link to your site) found this message...
Again, by southern standards, this is no great shakes. But when you're in the Pacific Northwest, you'll take what you can get. And thanks again to Jerilyn for snapping this shot.

CHURCH SIGN LETDOWN

Last week I got quite excited by the discovery of a church sign in Medford with a somewhat sassy message. Not quite as good as the quality stuff you find in the South, but it was a start.

Well, they changed the sign this week and, well, I don't know if this cuts it...

(Sign from the church whose name I keep forgetting is lovingly recreated with help from the Church Sign Generator.)

I actually found myself scratching my head at this one for a few moments as I drove down East Main. While I'm sure the pastor is trying to send a message about unconditional giving, I kept trying to find a secret meaning. For instance: "You may have given to the church this week, but that doesn't mean you should expect a quality sermon."

So I'm watching this church sign with great anticipation for this week's new message. The way I see it, this church sign is at a crossroads. It could go into the wonderful world of church sign fun, or it could become bland and predictable. But so help me, I will be so upset if I see "Jesus is the reason for the season" on that sign during the next two months. There's just no excuse for that.

CHURCH SIGNS ARE BACK!

Say what you will about the South, it has the highest concentration of silly church signs you'll find anywhere. And when I left the Confederacy the only things I missed (apart from a few great people) were those church signs.

The fact is, people here in Oregon just don't create church signs with the kind of zip that is, "How will you travel to eternity: smoking or non-smoking?" Or the Halloween classic: "Heaven is no trick, Hell is no treat."

Some well meaning people directed me towards a few signs here, but they just didn't cut it. But today, I was driving down East Main Street in Medford and found a church (can't remember the name) with the following message (recreated with the help of the church sign generator):

Praise be! While it's not the best in the world, it's not bad. It's working off of current events, and clearly isn't just taken from one of those church sign books.

I'll be following this church's work carefully. Medford may finally have its own wacky church sign!

HELLFIRE AND DEEP DISCOUNTS

This week I saw a documentary on a family living in Oklahoma. They attended a church that had the following slogan on its sign (recreated here through the help of the Church Sign Generator)...
This seemed clever enough, until I realized it was probably a recycled slogan from long ago. You see, Wal Mart never billed themselves as "The Savings Place." I believe that was K-Mart. But K-Marts have all but vanished from the American landscape, so I guess they had to substitute Wal Mart instead. But why not just address K-Mart's financial woes while trying to save some souls?Or perhaps you could just own the whole K-Mart thing...Any good Wal Mart related church sign slogans out there? Do tell.

CHURCH SIGNS, THE REAL THING

I was getting ready to have some more fun with the Church Sign Generator when I came across this person's Flickr Photostream. It was then I realized that my fertile imagination was no match for reality...
Indeed, he did.

MORE CHURCH SIGN FUN

A former co-worker and fellow church sign appreciator chimed in on the comments section about a church sign near where she lives in Minnesota, which I have lovingly recreated with the help of the Church Sign Generator.
Oh, how I love the pop culture ones. That means the pastor is doing his own writing instead of cribbing off some cheat sheet. And using popular music can open up lots of great church sign ideas.Which, of course, leads to a similarly bad pun that's not based on a popular song, but so obvious it's hard to resist...Oh, how I love the Church Sign Generator!

GET ME TO THE CHURCH (SIGN) ON TIME

Every once in a while, the Internet throws you a wonderful gift that you didn't even know you were looking for. So it was that I found my newest online love.

Those familiar with my short but queasy stay in the Confederacy know that I left the region with a disdain of grits, and an odd affection for the many church signs that dot the landscape. You know, the kind that feature goofy slogans like...

During my early blogging months, I used to collect these little sayings and post them in this space. Once I left the South, the material dried up and that was the end of that.

But several months ago I heard about a book for pastors that contained hundreds (thousands?) of these little sayings. I decided to look for the book and simply post my own church sign message every week... just without the church.

During my online search for the book, I stumbled upon the greatest thing ever: the Church Sign Generator. This site allows you to take any message at all, and put it onto a photo of a church sign. Imagine the possibilities...

All those church slogans I've always wanted to try out could become a reality...And the Church Sign Generator is no respecter of persons. You can come after Catholics...Or the Pentecostals...Alas, there isn't a Mormon template on the site, which isn't all that surprising. We really don't have message boards outside our churches, just a sign that says "visitors welcome." And if we did have a message board, it would most likely contain information about Jell-O. But who knows, perhaps we'll get a sign one day.

Until then, I encourage everyone to make their own church signs. If you have any good ones, please post a link in the comments section. That should help tide me over until my book arrives.

FROM THE CHURCH DOWN THE STREET

"Heaven is no trick. Hell is no treat."

FROM THE CHURCH DOWN THE STREET:

"Forbidden fruits create many jams."

FROM THE CHURCH DOWN THE STREET:

"Love Triangles Are Often Wreck-tangles"

FROM THE CHURCH SIGN DOWN THE STREET

"The Judgement is Coming! How Will You Travel, Smoking or Non-Smoking?"

From the Church Sign Down the Street

"Stop, drop and roll won't work in hell"