LIGHT READING

Still on vacation and visiting with friends and all that, but I thought I'd share a little light reading my sister-in-law is doing this holiday season. I found the cover quite amusing. Apparently, the main advantage of Azerbaijani agriculture involves a forlorn looking man standing in front of some goat cheese. Takes all kinds, I guess.

More after the holidays.

UNPLUGGED

I'm out of town for a week or so, so posts may be a little sparse until the new year. Until then, please enjoy this great fight we featured on our newscast a few weeks ago. You've got to love South Korean politics.

DON'T CROSS ME

I used to see this in the south and figured it was something peculiar to the Confederacy, but I've noticed it in Oregon, too. I'm speaking of Christmas displays featuring crosses. Observe the following image...This photo is not from anywhere in Oregon, but rather snatched from this guy's Flickr photo stream. But it is not unlike many displays I've seen here.

For the past several years, there has been brouhaha over an alleged War on Christmas™. The Christmas warriors claim excessive political correctness has robbed Christmas of its Christian roots and has turned it into an essentially secular holiday. I wonder if the pagans had similar campaigns when all their symbols were being appropriated for that new upstart Christian holiday called "Christmas." But I digress.

To counter the war on Christmas, the logic goes, one should incorporate more Christian symbols into the celebration. But exactly what Christian symbols should be used? A manger scene? (Classic, unambiguous, features the Birthday Boy himself.) An angel? (Aesthetically pleasing, heavenly messenger.) A star in the sky signaling the birth of Jesus? (Simple, symbol of hope.) Nope, it seems the cross has fallen into fashion.

This seems a curious choice. While all the other symbols are directly connected to the birth of Jesus the cross is a symbol of his death. It seems a bit premature, if you ask me. I mean, we're celebrating the guy's birthday. Don't fast forward to the end of the story, let's enjoy this part first.

Alas, the cross hanging over the manger scene is apparently becoming a more common sight. Perhaps this means we'll see more manger scenes on Easter.

WE MAKE THE NEWS

The days before (and immediately after) Christmas are notoriously slow for news. Last weekend we were desperate for anything to happen in our little town. In my darkest moments, I almost wished I could do this...

WEGMAN'S CUTE-A-THON

Despite earlier reports of a drought, Julie cranked out a fantastic set of photos today. It was important to have a big set of cute photos because I owe a life debt to someone. I'll explain.

I grew up in Rochester, New York, and Rochester is the home of Wegman's. Wegman's is a grocery store chain, but it's also a way of life for people who live in western New York state. It is regularly voted the best grocery store in the nation. In a region that's been down on its luck for a while, Wegman's is one thing everyone back home can be proud of. If you ever want to get into a knife fight, walk into a room full of Rochestarians and say, "Wegman's sucks!" They'll be fighting over who gets to keep your ears as a trophy.

A new branch of Wegman's opened in a suburb of Philadelphia a while back, and when Julie has business trips out there she'll bring me goodies that remind me of home. But during her most recent trip, she wasn't able to make it to Wegman's. A friend (whom we'll call M.R.) offered to pick up a dozen of my favorite Wegman's cookies, but named her price: a new set of extra-cute photos. So here they are, some cute photos.

We'll start with some photos of they guys indulging their muse.

Nate and Will enjoy playing the piano, and by playing, I mean banging on it. For those keeping score at home, Will is dressed in red.And Nate is in blue.The piano banging sessions can go on for a long time, and they can be a little hard on the ears. But they are cute... right M.R.?Piano not cute enough for you? How about two babies in a single crib?Oh yeah, that's what I'm talking about. Want more? OK, you've got it. I give you: baby tickle fight...You probably think that's about as cute as it can get. But you'd be wrong. That's because you've never seen baby Grecco-Roman wrestling.Nice pin by Will there. Yes, in order to keep he Wegman's supply lines open, we're willing to stoop to cliche, even if it means topless baby photos.I'm having a hard time telling which kid is which here, but I'm pretty sure that's Will on the left. The guys helped end the confusion and knocked up the cuteness quotient considerably with the use of hats.Actually, with the use of "hat." Nate is quite fond of his knit cap, and he's not shy about wearing it.Will prefers to wrap himself in his favorite blanket.And sometimes goes without the blanket.We finish up this extra-cute, extra-long photo set with the guys wrestling over a beanbag Santa.And there you have it, M.R., the most extensive photo post I've ever done. Thank you so much for getting those Chinese marble cookies. I ate them all in about 12 hours. It was a comforting taste of home. Hopefully the pics were sufficiently cute.

DROUGHT OF THE CUTE

This is the time of the week where I post some baby pictures and hopefully weave it all together with some sort of amusing narrative.

Alas, my week of Mr. Mom work produced exactly no amusing photos. So there really isn't anything to post. I'll try to take some snaps before I leave for work in the morning, but I can't promise anything.

To make matters worse, I owe a debt of cute photos for reasons I will explain in this space at a later date.

In the interim, might I suggest checking out Ken Levine's site. He's a sitcom writer who's worked on shows including M*A*S*H, Cheers, and The Simpsons. He offers a funny insider's perspective on the writers strike.

And I'll get working on those photos

FAROE FRIDAY: DARKEST DAYS

The coming week will include some of the darkest days in the Faroe Islands. Winter solstice is just around the corner and the sun barely peaks above the skyline right now. Today sunrise in the Faroes will happen at 9:45 AM. Sunset is just before 3 PM. Two weeks ago Jennifer Henke documented the sunshine (or lack thereof) hitting her little town. Here's the snap she took at 10:30 AM.

And that's just about as light as it ever got. The sun never shines on her little home during the winter months. Sounds bleak, I know, but the days will start getting longer again in about a week.

In other news, a Faroese political leader got punched in the face during a trip to Bergen, Norway. Now before you write off the Norwegians as a bunch of violent politician-beaters, know that the man who threw the punch was also from the Faroe Islands. Apparently it was all a big misunderstanding.

PRAYER SKETCH

Many years ago, I performed with a sketch comedy troupe in Los Angeles. We had a regular gig at the Comedy Store and we thought we were hot stuff. (Never mind that we actually lost money on every show after we paid for our own parking, but that's another story.) I wrote the following sketch for what would wind up being our last show. I read some newspaper article about more people turning to God following the 9/11 attacks. Then I came across a wonderfully cheesy version of the song Mr. Lucky. It sounded like the worst "on hold" music ever, and I wanted to inflict it on a large group of people. So I wrote this sketch. It was only performed once, but I rather liked it...

(Obviously, the Red Sox curse has been removed, but I refuse to rewrite the sketch. So there.)

Prayer Sketch


MAN
I’m really feeling keyed up lately. We got war, unemployment, starvation, they even say terrorists will strike at any moment. The papers say more people are praying than ever before. I guess I should give it a try.

(MAN kneels down, clasps hands together)

MAN
I don’t know how to start this, but I really want to know…

VOICE
Thank you for praying. We are experiencing delays due to unusually high prayer volume. Please continue kneeling and your prayer will be answered in the order it was received. Thank you for your patience.

(Cheezy on-hold music plays about 3 seconds)

VOICE
Average wait time for prayers to be answered is currently…24…minutes.

(More music)

VOICE
While you are waiting, here are the answers to some of our most common prayers. If you are an athlete hoping to give 110 percent tonight, the answer is yes, and good luck in tonight’s game. If you are a fan praying for your team, here are the answers. The following answers are good for tonight only. “Yes” for the Los Angeles Dodgers, Oakland Raiders, Real Madrid, the Rochester Red Wings, Manchester United, Winnipeg Blue Bombers, and the Fairport High School Diving team. The answer is “no” for the following teams: Anaheim Angels, Toronto Argonauts, Blackburn Rovers, Milwaukee Bucks, Toledo Mud Hens, and Chuckie’s A-1 Service softball team. Permanent “no” answers are in effect for the Cincinnati Bengal’s and the Montreal Expos. For Boston Red Sox fans praying for the curse to be removed, the answer is still “no.” Please keep kneeling, and thank you for your patience.

(Music comes back on)

MAN
I can’t believe this!

VOICE
Please do not talk to this voice. This is not God, this is a recording.

(More music)

VOICE
If you are a small child praying that your pet hamster won’t die after you fed it glue, the answer is “no.” Consider this an early lesson regarding the fragile nature of life. This will build character. Please keep kneeling, and thank you for your patience.”

(More music)

VOICE
Save time and frustration with a “form prayer.” If you are praying for peace on earth and goodwill to men, please dial or say “one.”

MAN
What am I supposed to dial?

VOICE
If you are praying for health, please dial or say “two.” If you want to bless some food, please point to the piece of food you want blessed and dial or say “three.” If you want to know the meaning of life, please continue kneeling. Thank you for your patience.

(More music)

VOICE
Tired of the wait? Consider praying to an alternate deity. The Duras are currently accepting prayers with no waiting for those interested in worshipping trees or shrubs. For more information, go to their website, www.dura.org. Please keep kneeling, and thank you for your patience.

(More music)

VOICE
Those wishing to sell their souls could contact Satan. By way of information, the going rate for a soul is 5.3 million dollars and one of the following benefits: a platinum album, lifelong reign over a small country, at least 6 episodes of your own sitcom, or unlimited upgrades to first class on any transatlantic flight. Please keep kneeling, and thank you for your patience.

(More music, then a clicking sound)

VOICE 2
Hello?

MAN
Is this God?

VOICE 2
No, but I do work for him.

MAN
Why do bad things happen to good people?

VOICE 2
Hmmm, that’s a good one. Can you hang on one moment?

(Music comes back on, after a few moments MAN walks off stage...)

VOICE 2
Thanks for waiting. It took me a minute to track this down, and you're not going to believe this but... sir... sir?

(more music... fade out)

NON-PRESIDENTIAL HAIR

Yesterday I wrote of Mitt Romney's presidential hair. Actually, I was writing about Mitt's religion, but his presidential hair did merit a passing mention. Where was I? Oh yes, hair. Mitt has a fantastic head of hair, as do many other Mormons including Donny Osmond and Aaron Eckhart. What about Gordon Jump? Well, no religion is perfect.

This afternoon my Norwegian friend sent me some pictures from a bygone era where my hair was not up to proper Mormon grooming standards.

As my friend put it, "You tended to get one haircut per semester, and I think you were pretty close to the end of the cycle. My hair almost looks like a wig in some of these photos.

What you're actually seeing here are screen captures from a film project my friend did when we were at school. Here I'm reciting a bit from Allen Ginsberg's "America."

Well, ok, I'm about to recite some of it. I'm embarrassed to say I was not all that familiar with the poem during the shoot. Many years later, I heard a recording of Ginsberg himself reciting "America" and realized I had likely done his work a great disservice during this project.

Sorry. I wasn't hired for my acting ability... just the hair.

THE MORMON QUESTION

I finally got around to watching Mitt Romney's speech on religion in American life. This was billed as Romney's "JFK moment," where he reassured the country (or, in this case, conservative Christians) that he was fit to be president despite the fact that he's not a mainline protestant or a mason or whatever.

Watching the speech, I found myself a little annoyed that he had to give it at all. He actually has a pretty decent resume for the job. He has executive experience, he's turned around failing organizations, he knows French (in a Republican primary, that may actually be a liability). Why should people care all that much about the finer points of his religious beliefs? As far as I'm concerned, a candidate can think he's the reincarnation of the sun god just so long as he uses effective management techniques, doesn't get us into frivolous wars, and doesn't tap my phone without a warrant.

But for an embarrassing number of Americans, this really does matter. About 25 to 30 percent of Americans routinely say they wouldn't vote for a Mormon for president under any circumstances. A few weeks ago, I was watching videotape of a focus group on C-SPAN (yes, my life really is that empty) and I was stunned some of the things I heard. One woman claimed she won't vote for Romney because a friend gave her a copy of the Book of Mormon and the spirit told her not to read it.

Say what? You decided not to read a book, so someone who did read it shouldn't be president? That may actually be a worse decision making process than flipping a coin. But I digress.

I was somewhat impressed by Thursday's speech, more so for the delivery than the content. He looked and sounded presidential. And, as always, he had fabulous hair.

The rhetoric was a little more weak. Calls for religious tolerance were welcome, and the story about Sam Adam's call to prayer during the first constitutional congress was inspiring. But it fell apart when Romney made some clearly untrue statements (freedom needs religion and religion needs freedom? history says otherwise) and didn't seem to have much tolerance for non-believers.

When I wrote about Mitt last June, I said people shouldn't vote for him based on his views on "enhanced interrogation" and GITMO detentions. I wrote this despite the fact that I'm Mormon and, like every minority or sub-group in America, I'd like to see one of my own in the White House some day.

After seeing the Thursday speech, I'm left with the same conclusions. I wish it were otherwise.

SCRAPS & PLACE HOLDERS

Somewhere in the rush of work and shopping and churning out Christmas cards, we forgot to take any pictures this week. So it's time to look into the archives. We don't have to look all that far back, actually. Here's a little snap of Will wearing a lot of hats. He hated hats when he was younger, but now he's making up for lost time...

I was just about 12 hours past oral surgery when this picture was taken, so I'm a tad puffy. Perhaps I should have worn multiple hats, too.

Spare photos of Nate are a little tougher to come by. After all, we posted quite a large Nate-centric set last week. But I did find a picture that illustrates a pretty common occurrence here lately.

As our doctor put it, "He's really quite oral." Indeed, Nate may well be part rodent. He's been chewing on everything, books, furniture, sometimes even food. There is a huge gouge in his crib. It's more than a little disconcerting, really.

So that's all for this week. I'm going to be Mr. Mom for the next four days or so, an I'll be sure to take a lot of pictures in between hits of Prozac.

FAROE FRIDAY: LOCAL BAND MAKES GOOD

I've been following this a bit, but I must again credit Faroe Man for scooping me on this story. (It's not fair, he lives on the Faroe Islands and speaks the language. How am I supposed to compete with that?)

The Global Battle of the Bands (GBOB) just wrapped up in London last night. I featured 15 bands from 15 countries who had won various regional competitions.

The winner was Boys In A Band, they're a five piece outfit from, you guessed it, the Faroe Islands. I'd be lying if I said I knew much about them, but the photo they submitted for the competition had the members of Monty Python instead of the band members. So that's pretty cool.

They've got four songs posted on their MySpace page. Someone on Wikipedia described their sound as "cowboy rock of the dance genre."

Boys In A Band won $100,000 (US) and a world tour. It seems unlikely they'll find their way to Oregon. But if they do, I'll be there with bells on.

This week's Faroe Photo comes from one of the most mysterious of the chain:
This is Lítla Dímun. For what should be some pretty obvious reasons, it is the only Faroe Island to be uninhabited. But I think someone actually has their sheep graze at the top of that thing. Don't ask me how he gets them up there.

YOU'VE COME A LONG WAY

Every school child in America knows the story of Rosa Parks: she refused to give up her seat in the front of a segregated bus in Montgomery, Alabama and helped spark the civil rights revolution.

Last Saturday was the 52nd anniversary of that historic act of civil disobedience. In Eugene, Oregon, the Lane County Transportation District decided to honor Ms. Parks by reserving a seat for her on all of their buses. The reserved seat included a picture of Rosa Parks and a short biography of what she did all those years ago.

There is one catch, however. The reserved seat is... wait for it... AT THE BACK OF THE BUS.

I learned of this story when we paid the tribute a short mention on a weekend newscast, making brief mention of the seat's location. The video sent over from the original station that covered it clearly showed the reserved seat about two rows from the back of the bus. Amazingly, I have seen almost no reference to this detail online. One newspaper report said the reserved seats were in front. A student run paper delicately suggested that the seats were "right before the rear exit." (Not quite accurate, but closer than the pros got.)

But before I get too wrapped up in journalistic minutiae, allow me to ask the following question: what was the Lane County Transportation District thinking?

No doubt this was a well intentioned tribute, and the organizers only wanted to honor a woman who helped change history. And there are certain constraints surrounding reserving seats on buses. Most of the front seats are already reserved for the elderly and handicapped.

But this was a symbolic gesture on the part of bus company. Obviously, the late Ms. Parks wasn't going to show up and claim any of her reserved seats. So why couldn't they see the symbolism of reserving her a seat at the back of the bus?

Imagine if Rosa Parks actually did show up to take a bus ride that Saturday afternoon. What would the driver say to her? "Welcome, Ms. Parks! We've got a special seat all set for you... just keep heading towards the back."

I have a feeling she would have declined the offer, no matter how well intentioned.

WACKY HAIR WEDNESDAY

So I've got a few hours sleep under my belt, so I can throw my most loyal readers (hi, Mom!) the red meat they so desire, even if it is a few days late.

This week, we document a curious development in the little guys' hairstyles. You see, Julie has taken to cooking zucchini in a little bit of olive oil for Nate and Will's lunch. They love it and it makes a good finger food. But those fingers... they often find their way to their hair... with hilarious results.

Yes, Nate has taken to turning himself into a mad professor during mealtimes. He's even practicing his manic stare.Meanwhile, Will has managed to keep his hair clean.This cleanliness is admirable, but not nearly as amusing as Nate's sloppy scene. Hey Nate, how about imitating that fruity looking guy from that cigarette billboard in the 1990s.I know, I know Will. You are being horribly neglected in this post. But simply complaining about it won't help you compete with this...Next week we'll have post a more Will-centric set.

A PERFECTLY GOOD EXCUSE

I hadn't intended on completely neglecting this site once NaBloPoMo ended, but I have been overtaken by events. A giant storm walloped the northwest today, and it was my job to cover it. I had to leave for the coast late last night and basically had to stay up for two days straight to cover the story.

So my point is I've not been in front of my come computer in a little while. But if it makes you feel any better, you can see the story here.

Now I should explain a few things... When I went on the air tonight, I hadn't combed my hair since Sunday morning. It just kind of worked out that way. And I know the stand-up where the reporter stands out in a horrible storm is a lame device. Everyone at home is thinking, "If the storm is so bad, why don't you get back into your truck?" But this is the life I have chosen, and in TV news, if you travel 100 miles to cover a storm, you'd better come back with a picture of you getting battered by wind and rain. That's just the way it goes.

So I'm going to bed now. I'm very tired. I know baby photos are usually posted by now, but I can barely keep my eyelids open. I promise you will see some within the next 36 hours.

We appreciate your patience and now return you to your regularly scheduled blogging.

LOOKS LIKE WE MADE IT*

NaBloPoMo is over and I'm happy to report the project was a success. The challenge was to post every day during the month of November. I forget exactly why I signed on, but I think it had something to do with a friendly rivalry with two other bloggers. (They also succeeded at the challenge, congratulations Ransom and Birchsprite.)

It turned out to be an interesting month. It wasn't easy posting 7 days per week, especially during the weekends when readership was down. But after a few days, the gears got moving and I was able to find inspiration in the world around me. It's a mindset I used to have when I wrote a weekly humor column. I like that mindset.

Another helpful surprise came from the Writer's Guild of America. When they went on strike, The Daily Show and Colbert Report went into reruns immediately. The Office followed soon afterwards. That freed up at least an hour each weekday that I would have spent in front of the TV. I do miss Jon Stewart, but it's nice having the extra time.

The project also boosted traffic to this humble site. Hits were up about 30% from normal levels during the month of November. With a site this tiny, it doesn't take too many people to see a noticeable boost. But hey, 30% is 30%.

Now that November is over, I likely won't be posting every day of the week. I need to sleep more and exercise more and pay more attention to other parts of my life. But I've developed a habit of writing more, and I want to keep that up. So the result of The November Experiment is you will likely see a bit more content in this space.

That's all for now. I look forward to participating next year.

(*That's a lyric from an old Barry Manilow song. I have never seen him live, and I regret to announce that we have never danced backstage at any show. Oh well.)